screwupfandomcom-20200213-history
Jang Jong
Jang Jong (1257-present) is the oldest living man. 'Inspired by Genghis Khan at ' ' the age of six, he decided to work in his grandfather's farm, plowing and harvesting his rice fields. He would work countless hours, so he could earn up money to become as successful a conqueror as Genghis. When he was ten, his father gave him his very first bladed weapon, which he used to practice elk-hunting in the woods. Almost everyday, Jang would return with a dead elk slung on his shoulders. This would usually be the Jong family's dinner. His three sisters (Bayarmaa, Odval, and Narantsetseg) usually helped their mother, Oyunbileg, knit and wash clothes. Jang's brother, Batukhan, often pushed Jang around, but worked hard catching fish in the rivers and lakes. He would usually come home with at least three fish in his net, which the family would all huddle together and gorge upon. Jang wanted to surpass his brother, and steal all the pride for himself. One day, he and his brother decided to have a small fight in the woods. Surprisingly, Jang had won, and it is said that Batukhan came running back home with major bruises on his chest and stomach, which Jang was punished for. When he was somewhat 20 years old, he left home to fight alongside the Mongol army. At his young age, he had always wanted to become one of them. However, after several failed battles, they decided to escort him back home. Jang then lived with his parents again for about a year, and then moved away in a small house in China. At this point of his life, Jang had almost turned to suicide, so, one day, he grabbed his first weapon (his Father's gift) and was ready to stab himself, but, for some unknown reason, decided not to. After this, Jang was certain he needed to straighten out his life. He was falling apart. ' ' ' 'The Very First Raid' When he was 31, Jang traveled further into China, until he reached the Northwestern part. Along the way, he assembled a group, which would later be called "Beifang zhi nù" or "Northern Fury", which contained beggars, peasants, skilled murderers, alchemists, and Mongolians that had settled down in China, like him. When he reached this part of China, he and his men snuck into the royal temple and held the emperor and his wife hostage, until the Chinese surrendered. Unfortunately, the people here were ruthless and decided to fight back, forming a vast army of everyone in the local villages. For days, his men snuck into houses and killed a countless number of people, including children! As their army grew, so did their weapons, and soon the Chinese were vastly outnumbered and had no choice, but to evacuate. His invasion proved successful, and he then took the role of emperor. The people that didn't retreat were turned into slaves and forced to do everything Jang commanded. A few of his slaves even joined him on his conquering. ' ' ' 'Invasion of Rome and Greece During the time Octavian ruled Rome, Jang decided to lay forth his newest attack. On March 15, 1347, he paraded through the cities, announcing his conquering of China. This time, he was focused on ruling all of Rome. The only drawback was his "Party Animals", as he so called them, which were people dressed in animal suits (bears, horses, cats, dogs, etc.). Many of his warriors had tried to talk him out of it, but Jang went ahead with it anyways. The parade of "Party Animals" was a major mistake in the invasion of Rome. Not to mention, he set his sword on the doors of his carriage, which anyone could easily just grab and kill him with. At this time, Jang was beginning to lose his "stuff". He was forced to leave Rome, and was almost close to being murdered. A few of his men and "Party Animals" were mercilessly stabbed to death by Octavian's powerful warriors. It was October 24, 1348 (not very long from his last invasion), and Jang was moving on into Greece. He had heard how powerful the Greeks were, but disregarded everything. He went ahead into Athens, which was a major city-state or polis in Greece. It is also the capital. Again, he muted out everything his men had said, and ended up bringing the "Party Animals". He ordered them to dance upon arrival of Athens. When the Greeks saw this, they thought it was a big joke, when, in reality, it was an actual invasion. Jang then handed out flyers that read: ' '"Hello, Greeks. It is me, Emperor Jang, whom invaded the Northwestern part of China. I have been thinking lately that I should expand my land a bit. You know, spread my power and dominance. My warriors are ready to attack. If you even try to reason me, you will die, just like the people in China. However, I will give you a chance to leave, since I am not one of those cruel conquerors that just kills people for no reason. I understand, by now, you are very terrified, but, fear not, for I will not harm you, unless you don't have at least 1,000 moneys to give me. My men will steal all your precious items, and hand them over to me. If I don't like them, I will either burn them or throw them in the ocean. This will be lots of freaking fun. Anyways, just throwing out these letters to everyone, so I could warn and so you could all be prepared." ' '''Once again, to no one's surprise, his men (including the "Party Animals") were killed. His army was growing smaller now, and he had no choice but to cancel everything. During the next 20 years or so, he spent his time assembling an even bigger army. ' ' ' '''Invasion of South Africa In 1371, Jang entered into African territory. He led himself and his powerful army into this land, not knowing what would happen next. The Africans also had an army, but stood no chance against the more advanced and more powerful army of Jang. The Africans surrendered quickly, and were turned into slavery. These slaves were given little food or water, and would spend their days in cold chambers, usually guarded by "Party Animals". A giant wall, much like The Great Wall, surrounded this area, and Jang claimed it as his own. He then sent a few thousand of his men to return to China to continue his ruling there. He made Aiguo Bai, a powerful peasant in his army, to take charge, while he was gone. ' ' ' 'The Return To China In the summer of 1406, Jang finally returned to China. His men had awaited him there, and much excitement occured when Jang showed up. He was covered in ruby-colored robes and given a crown or helmet upon his head. Here, he remained until 1421, when he decided to attack another country. ' ' ' 'The Invasion of Japan ' Before his attack on Japan, in earlier rades, Jang would often state that he invaded it already, when he hadn't even set foot on it yet. This would also prove his vast stupidity. Jang had sacked Japan numerous times, but ultimately failed. As the 1500s settled in, Jang was getting tired of attacking Japan. So far, in all that time, he had only managed to kill one person, which was a drunken man on the streets, running around and laughing hysterically. What he did, was he simply gave him a nice kick, and the man lay dead there for days. His strength and superiority began to fade, and Jang was becoming less "on his game". He made one last attempt on Japan, but ended up failing again. He left, and went over to South Africa, and was surprised to find all of his men and "Party Animals" dead. That's when he returned to China. ' ' ' 'Moving To America' ' In 1845, Jang was growing ill. He was a notch away from certain death. Overtime, however, he gained his strength back, and, soon after, gave up China. He then decided to move to America, in order to turn his life around and start a new beginning. In 1912, he started working in factories, producing bars of soap. He soon realized that he had made a huge mistake, and quit his new job. For 30, worthless years, he lay in bed, unemployed. People often called him a loser, and he was now starting to feel upset. It was 1942, and Jang decided to start a new job, making movies. His films, The Man of Old Town Gibbly (1943) and Pretty Girl (1945) were box office bombs, earning only $1,341 in all. He then learned that he wasn't cut out for making movies, and quit again. Up until the '90s, he began searching for a job again. He worked at McDonalds for a time, but quit after only one week. ' ' ' 'Back Into Conquer Mode and Searching For A Job' In 2002, Jang was inspired by 9-11, and wanted to create nuclear missiles and all sorts of dangerous weapons. He tested most of them out on Chicago, Illinois. He was then sued $1 million for all the damages. That's more than he made out of his movies! In 2007, he joined Kim Jong-il and helped create missiles there. Although, impressed, Kim stuffed him in a crate and sent him back to America. This is much like what happened when he met with Hitler. He stopped trying to conquer soon after, and became a mailman, then quit. Became a lawyer, then quit. A doctor, accidentally killed one of his patients while pretending his internal organs were ninjas, then quit. Became a UPS man, accidentally lost all of the packages oversea, then quit. A teacher, accidentally poisoned the cafeteria food, then quit. Overtime, he became so weakened after looking for so many jobs, that it is said he grew to look 40 years older. ' ' ' 'Artist and Musician ' Jang Jong began to show interest in arts and music when he was three. Eventually, this escalated into something greater. When he was 11, his parents gave him a wooden flute with his name carved onto it. This flute was said to be so powerful, it sent all those who heard bowing to Jang's knees. However, he lost it three months later. When he was six, he began to paint pictures, and soon everyone wanted to see the talented boy's work. He was into more cartoony drawing, instead of the more serious ones. His art gave a somewhat humorous feeling to those who saw it. It was even said that one man paid Jang and his family 3,000 gold pieces just for it. ' ' ' 'The Party Animals' ' The Party Animals played no role whatsoever, besides screwing around near Jang's major bases and parading through several cities, which Jang found pleasure in doing. They are known to accompany him during major raids, and, more recently, have been known to join him on world tours.'